In the Palm of Grace

Official post after 5 months of silence

2008-10-07T21:11:00.001-07:00

This is really just a test of my sweet iPhone interface. I think I might like it.

on Scripture

2008-04-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

So over the last week or so I should have been reading and writing for my seminary classes, but, instead, have had nothing but the importance and truth of the inspiration, validity, and necessity of Scripture. I have a great friend who is struggling and rolling over in his mind whether or not the Bible is in fact the Truth of God handed down by His Holy Spirit to the minds of ordinary men over the course of a few thousand years and penned by them in complete inerrancy and held constant by His Divine Will over the course of time. I wish I had the time to deal with this as thoroughly as I would like (as this is a significantly important doctrine to believe and sustain). However, I have, instead, been forced to throw out a line here or there as I have had time to offer. I am sufficiently concerned and troubled by the entire discussion as I am not able to offer my best reasoning and argumentation to defend the Truth of Scripture but can only hope that the Spirit of God will illumine my mind, his, or both in due time. My main concern is that I have not in any distinguishable way adulterated the Truth or misrepresented the Triune God in any way.

Yo tambien

2008-01-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

Not much has changed since my last post. I'm still trying to figure out how to juggle work and school. I'm tired most of the time and I don't quite have the motivation to exercise very much. The main problem is that I'm getting too old to just lay around without getting fat. I need to get into a routine but as yet that has not happened. Instead I'm tired all the time and I'm tired of being tired. I don't study the Bible like I should and I'm not involved in ministry like I want to be. All together I need to change something.

Hair cuts and mothballs

2007-12-05T16:57:00.000-08:00

Friends come and go but the one's that stick around when you're a complete idiot are the one's that are truly your friend. I've realized that in the last year. I have only a few people that I know I could call at any point and they would be there for me. They are people who have entered my life at extremely different points. One at 9 yrs old; a couple at 16; and recently several from the last four years of my life. I don't know what that means about my friendship skills. Perhaps I'm a better friend-maker; perhaps people are just more tolerant of my annoying tendencies; maybe a little of both. Probably not the former. Anyway, I'm almost done with my first semester of seminary and it's been a difficult task trying to juggle a practically full-time job while taking three classes. I need a wife. Or someone who will just work for me and let me go to school. However that has to happen....

On Being Relevant

2007-10-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

The God of creation has not changed His game plan for thousands of years. He doesn't change based on culture. Historically, culture has changed based on the character an work of God. God is not trendy. He IS the trend.

Breaking the Silence: A Call to Repent

2007-09-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

This probably won't mean a whole lot to whoever reads this thing, but it certainly stunned me.

I was reading through some study notes and it referenced the message of John the Baptist as the voice that shattered the silence between the prophets of the Old Testament, namely Haggai, Zechariah, and Malachi, and the writers of the Gospels (not that they were necessarily the first to write, but chronologically they continue the story of God's redemptive work in history). After the last words of Malachi, which references a coming Elijah who will preach in order to prevent God from striking "the land with a decree of utter destruction" (Mal. 4:6), the Bible stands still for some 400 years. Then, in the course of history, God breaks the silence with the mouth of John the Baptizer, who begins his ministry with this word: "Repent." I find it no small coincidence that this word should break the silence of such a span. The call to repent is one of the most trascendent calls of the whole Bible. It is a word seldom used in the church these days. I saw Pat Robertson on TV a few days ago leading his viewers in the "sinner's prayer." Not once did he lead them to repent for their sins. He never mentioned sin. The modern church fails to preach the full counsel of Scripture, neither thematically nor Biblically. A church without repentance might be seen as no church at all. I can't back that up with a list of Scripture references or scholarly works, but I believe I would be standing in good graces to say so.

I've Been Everywhere, Man

2007-07-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have some really great friends. The kind that allows months to pass without any form of communication, yet at a moment's notice a phone call, email, lunch meeting, etc. can allow the bond of friendship to rekindle without hesitation. These are the relationships that carry even the most pressed and stretched through to brighter days and calmer seas. Those who attempt to persevere without the cords of friendship often find their reserve dry and their eyes hollow, their hearts in shambles.
It is in this light that Jesus' words find new inspiration: "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." (Jn. 15:15)
Though elsewhere Paul openly proclaims to be a servant, here Christ makes the bold and stunning claim that we can join in the bonds of friendship with the Son of Man, the Redeemer of lost souls. The ultimate Comforter for the downcast and broken interrupts our tearful moments; we can look to the Creator of the universe for ultimate rest. We see tiny glimpses of this potential in the joy a phone call or email can bring on a bad day, yet the full force of Comfort transcends these miniscule moments of happiness because true Source is the One who has revealed the Father to us. He has not left us to our own demise, though we sprint toward the gates of hell unless He snatches us from the flames.
The question is, are we HIS friend:"You are my friends if you do what I command you" (v. 14)?

More Thoughts

2007-07-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was trying to help a little 7 year old find a baseball glove that worked, I realized that somewhere along the way I got old. Not old in the way a thirty year old would read this and chuckle that I call myself old, or the way a fifty or even seventy year old would read this and probably laugh audibly. I mean old in the way that I reminisce at starting baseball, oh so many years ago. Old in the way that retaining a somewhat athletic physique becomes increasingly harder (though the daunting age of 25 is still a few years away so I'm okay....for now). Old in the sense that the Transformers movie took me back to my childhood, not "oh this is something new." Old in the way that I remember what was going on when kids who are graduating high school this year were born.
I say all this to set up this question. Why, if I realize I am getting older, do I still feel like I have so far to go in the "race" that I am running called Christianity? Yes, I know, what an ever increasingly overused cliche analogy. What with the marathon-not-a-sprint sermon that occurs once a month and is the "Christian" t-shirt of the century. Seriously, though, I feel like I've barely busted out of the chocks and I think I might already have skinned my knees on the track a few times. In a race, one fall and you're pretty much doomed. Sure, I know the truth that I'm a complete failure on my own, God's grace covers my sin because of the work of Christ, and I must find rest by abiding in Christ. Yet I find that my sin nature loves to use those facts against me and cause me to fall in love with doing nothing. Instead, finding faith in future grace should cause me to fight all the more against my own sin and hate all that dwells within me that is not being transformed by the power of Christ.
I have studied and fallen in love with justification to the degree that I might have forgotten about sanctification.
"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:24-25a

Thoughts

2007-07-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes God aligns certain textual knowledge to be solidified and reinforced with life experiences. Often these are not the most pleasant circumstances, yet the facts obtained become of far greater value--lessons never to be forgot.

Love is a word tossed around with unsubstantial value in modern culture. Yet love is suppose to be of greatest importance in the bonds of life's most critical relationships. Vows are made on the basis of a fleeting word that has such depth in one context and none in another. Love of waffles and passionate love for a spouse can both be interpreted by the most common of listeners. However, anyone would attest to the fact that one word has a very different meaning. Is the English language so incredibly vague and tormented by a lack of precision? The clear answer is in the positive, yet the true crisis that hounds modern relationships may go deeper.
Obviously, some would argue that many who profess love do not rightly understand the significance of the word. And I believe this to be true to a certain extent. However, the greater misunderstanding is the lack of modern knowledge in the topic of covenant. The covenant of marriage is watered down into an issue of feelings and emotions. The commitment of marriage dwindles without the undergirding of covenant.
In the realm of dating and courtship, the concept of covenant is not absent. Even dating relationships should have in sight the importance of commitment and covenant--not as developed or substantial as marriage, but with the knowledge that relationships have much more to do with the exaltation and glory of the Cross than the fleeting digestive butterflies.
Relationships to the glory of God is a lost concept in today's culture and must be revived in a culture that mocks the Church's lack of fidelity.

Faith in Future Grace

2007-07-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a book by John Piper called "Future Grace." The past few chapters have talked about how anxiety and doubt come from a lack of faith in God's sustaining grace. It has sunk into the depths of my heart where anxiety and fear have taken hold. In the midst of reading this, God has provided in immensely overwhelming ways. I anticipate the return of of a certain young lady from the far off land of Niger. Seeing her will be a beautiful thing--to say the least.
I have found a church where I will probably call home for awhile. It has a vibrant young pastor who knows the Word and has a heart for missions that matches my own quite well. I am starting a new job at Dick's Sporting Goods that should be a lot've fun.
Things these days are rapid and exciting. Who knows what God has in store?

Not quite certain about lilies and 41 cent stamps....

2007-06-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

I've reached this place in life where I disconnect from reality and have constant dissonance in my head. Moral absolutes escape me and while I desire to be passionate and excited about things like truth and justice, I am altogether apathetic in most respects. I guess the desire is something to be appreciated, but since it has no hands and feet, desire is nothing but dust in the wind. All sorts of hidden sins lie anything but dormant in the shadows of my life unabated and it sickens me. Any moment left to myself is wasted on fruitless joys. I wish I had the gall to throw my TV off the balcony. I'm sure Christ would have had something to say about the absolute horror of modern television usage around the country. It might've made the list of 6 things the Lord hates (along with lying hands and feet that are quick to rush into evil; cf. Proverbs 6ish).
I had an interesting conversation last week with an extremely intelligent man about covenant theology and its application to modern life. At the time I was a bit caught off guard by the whole abruptness of the ordeal. I rarely jump into conversations for which I am unprepared. It was a humbling experience. I was on the defensive for most of the dialogue (again, a rarity). Compounding the problem was the fact that his argument was supremely peculiar--I had never heard someone attack covenant the way he did. I didn't know how to correct the angle he was using. In the end, very little was accomplished and the man walked away feeling as though he had put me in my place. If anything, he showed me a new angle I will need to be prepared to defend, apparently.
My closest of friends, someone who has become the caretaker of a large portion of my heart, is half way around the world and I struggle to advance through the day without worrying about her. I have had no communication with her all week and it troubles me. Only Divine Providence stills my heart.

Scattered Thoughts

2007-05-31T10:26:00.000-07:00

I realized a few minutes ago that I should have been blogging a little bit over the last few days. I'm unsure if anyone reads this thing anymore, but, nonetheless, it is good for me to spill out the thousands of thoughts that fill my mind simultaneously on most days. At this point, I am still unemployed and rent is due tomorrow--scary thought. I have only one significant lead right now in terms of a job and its been two days without a call back.
In the end, I have been struggling significantly with the cognitive dissonance that I absolutely know God is in control, but I don't live or trust with that truth changing the way I do life. I am still figuring out how to die to self on a daily basis so that these mere things--jobs, rent, bills--do not shake me the way they do.
On another note, I am trying to find a church that will become a vital part of my life over the next few years. Even if I don't stay at one church the whole time, I still need to be a part of a church with that kind've mentality. God does not call us to "date the church" as Joshua Harris so eloquently puts it. I have learned that he is actually right on this one. I hope he doesn't write a sequel called "I gave dating a chance" this time and confuse everyone even more.
Anyway, I'm struggling right now and I'm starting to realize that it's okay to struggle sometimes. It might just be healthy.

New Start

2007-05-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Many things carry over into this new chapter of my life, yet so many things are new. New zip code: 28226. New Roads: Carmel, Fairview, Pineville-Matthews. New city: Charlotte, NC. New school: RTS.
Old roads: Hwy 74 and 29--roads I've lived near my whole life. Old roommate: Chris. Old rival: Erskine.

Some things will never change in life--my own inadequacies and God's sustaining favor on me, a sinner. Some things are bound to change. We move, we die a little bit and grow a little bit. Some people continue to stay a part of my life and, in the end, I'm glad of it.

Now if I could only figure out where I left my other shoe.

And so the countdown begins...

2007-04-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

With the months turning into weeks and the weeks to soon transform mysteriously into days, I feel like a man trying to hold about 2007 too many things in his arms while sprinting feverishly toward some fuzzy, half-lit goal that may not even be worth reaching in the first place. I'm still uncertain about where I will live, where I will work, or who I will live with. All I really know for certain is that I feel really lost and I'm hoping that the few weeks I have off before moving to seminary will be a revealing time for me. I find it ironic that I am going to seminary because this particular place of learning is suppose to train you to tell others the Truth, yet I find it so hard these days to even remember what the Truth is. Of course I can spout out theological know-how when asked, but to really have it transforming the core of who I am on a daily basis--I've got a long way to go before I can stand before a group of people who are counting on me to speak Truth and teach with authority and sincerity.
ughh.....

Transition

2007-03-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

I don't normally give a play-by-play of my events in life, but this one will be quite important in my life. This week I will be travelling to Mississippi, visiting a seminary that I have applied to. I have talked with representatives from the school and I am definitely looking forward to the trip. I will be able to meet professors and sit in classes. I will get a glimpse of what it will be like to sit in the community of exceptionally educated people and learn from them. We will be like-minded, but not narrowly-minded. Feeling the camaraderie will be a joyful, challenging experience.
However, what I anticipate the most is the opportunity to start afresh. I see the many trials behind me--trials have scarred me and, in some cases, I still bear open wounds--and I see ahead of me new challenges that will wage war on my spirit, my body, and my mind. Yet I am eager for this gauntlet. I know great things await me.

When all falls apart, He repairs

2007-02-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

When things go awry in life, I learn more and more about what it means to be totally, inseparably reliant on the grace and comfort of Jesus Christ. His Spirit is our "Comforter;" He is a "very present help in times of trouble;" He is the "bridegroom" for whom we wait with lamps lit in eager anticipation; He is my Fortress, my Deliverer. In Him there is no fear, no disappointment.

Why I Can't Give Up

2007-01-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

In life, God places many challenges in our lives to develop our moral character and to draw faith from our spiritual veins. Abram faced such a trial in Gen. 22 when God called him to sacrifice his own son, Isaac. Abram did not back down from this test, but remained faithful.
Personally, I have crumbled under many much smaller testings. I have given up on so many important areas of my life. And now I face one of the hardest crossroads I will ever face. The decisions I make in the next few weeks and months will have severe reverberations into the remainder of my life. I feel a rising inability to give up on those I care for the most but find unable to keep close to my heart. Pride and insecurity seep out of my flesh and cause havoc without relent. I am incredibly full of sin to the point that I want to vomit. It causes doubt to rise in myself and others. Will I stand the test this time? Will I remain faithful? O God that this could be so! Deliver me from my inadequacy!

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:24-5

My Lungs Still Work

2006-11-26T21:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it seems as though I need to let out a yell just to know that I'm still in fact alive. I still breathe in and out in perfect succession. Blood still takes all the necessities of life through my body--from the heels of each foot to the very follicles that produce the hairs on my head (no blood flows through my hair just in case you were wondering--if it does for you, go to a hospital). It is in the moments of tension and hostility that a different sort of life emerges. Not that I look forward to these episodes of sharpened eyes and tongues, flushed cheeks and tightened fists. In fact, I dread them. However, reality is almost more than real when someone I love dearly draws such emotion from me that I raise my voice to a height that tells me I care. In that, I know I'm still alive.

Amplified Sorrow

2006-11-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

Today I had two sorrowful conversations. One involved the temporary loss of communication with a person I care for beyond words. No more details are needed for that matter. The second conversation followed soon after and involved the death of a dear friend and brother:
My Indian brother who traveled with me all over India this summer is now standing before Christ singing His praises. Sunday night he died in the hospital after suffering from pneumonia and possibly tuberculosis. While we can fairly reasonably treat both conditions in the States (though even our doctors may be troubled by the two combined), India's medical facilities (especially those for the poor) are much more hindered. Please, if you read this, be in prayer for his family. He was the sole provider for his mother and two little brothers. The father of this family died about 5 years ago. Also, his family has accumulated debt to pay a dowry for his sister to be married (yes, dowry...don't get me started on that). Now the trauma of losing the eldest son brings a new world of difficulty. My prayer is for healing and comfort for his family who remains; strengthening of the believers, especially young believers who may be scared of what death means to believers; and doors to share the Gospel as a result of Santosh's death.
This will be an extremely difficult time for everyone as this is the first death of a believer in this community of believers. Many will have questions and concerns.

Something to write about...

2006-11-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

Apparently November 1st is the signal to the American media that it is time to start the Christmas celebration. No one seems to notice that a quick glance at any Gregorian calendar with American holidays will show that there is one other nationally recognized holiday that falls somewhere between Halloween and Christmas namely, Thanksgiving. I personally love Thanksgiving and enjoy celebrating it every year with my family--not to mention the fact that it gives one last break before exams. So, here's to taking each holiday in step and not buying Christmas lights before I pick out a Halloween costume (this is of course a theoretical statement, as Halloween has already passed).

2006-10-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

woven hearts as a melody and harmony:
tinkering like church bells,
they chime joyfully in the crisp autumn air.
following the steady tune:
eighth, quarter, half, whole.
finally the tune becomes one steady tone.
no longer a melody with its pair,
but an unwavering singly beautiful sound:
l*ve.

Life, Love, and 3.00am

2006-10-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes God brings experiences and events and people into your life in very peculiar ways. Almost always the outcome screams that only God Himself could have caused that event to happen or that person to enter your life. Whatever the frequency of these occurences in other's lives, I am sure my life outweighs the average. God has an amazing way of humbling me through these times. I sit back and look at how God has lead me down certain paths and it is truly unspeakable. The joy of knowing His plans fulfilled in my life will not quickly fade. I anticipate the next steps--many of which will impact the rest of my mortal life.

On the account of another

2006-09-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

This morning I shed a significant tear. Though it was only one tear that escaped this eye of mine, the solitude of this outpouring should not correlate in your mind to the grief observed by my heart. Any spectator into my heart can quickly note the lack of tears that fall from my eyes on account of my own pain. However, never have I weeped on the account of another. Never has the plight of someone else caused me such pain that a single drop of rain will fall from my eye.

Selfish Beyond Measure

2006-09-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

Selfishness does not stop at the corner of the pursuit of self-indulgence and open sin. If that were so one could hope to cross that street when the sign with the stick figure begins to glow with self-help books and being good natured; maybe a little extra rest and a little accountability. However, there's no ten-step process for overcoming the subtle selfishness that creeps like a little innocent, baby lizard into the prayers of the "most devout and faithful" of citizens in the kingdom of God. These proverbial molehills that seem so spiritual and godly--the prayers that "so-and-so would like me so we can be happy together and serve together and be a shining example of what a good relationship should look like to everyone else" and "if only my struggles with anger and pride and jealousy and covetousness would go away so that I could be above reproach and be open to counsel my friends"--are the very prayers that keep well intentioned Christians in the mire of modern "religion." The selfish desires creep in because we make good things our utmost desire. The thing that we crave. Our souls yearn for happiness, comfort, pleasure, more than the glory of God.
Now, at this point, the peanut gallery may be thinking one of two things (or both simultaneously, in which case you might want to either take a five minute break, or stop reading all together and forget this pointless blog every existed):
A. Harsh words. Who are you to judge? Someone seems to have a pride issue.
My response: Amen and amen. Yes I have a pride issue (yet, I also struggle with depression and low self-esteem; go figure). However, let me be open: these sins are my own which is why I write such things. I do not hide my sin in a closet. This journal is a place for me to be transparent--even if there is no one on the other side of the glass.
B.What do I do now? There is no resolution to these problems. You have opened a wound without providing the salve.
My response:Welcome to my world. However, I do know this: God's Word is the most precious of bandages for the wounds of this world and the self-inflicted wounds of the flesh. It is not precious enough to my feeble nature as it should be, for I am fallen beyond all hope, save One. "I have stored up your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119:11.

One last thought: In Matthew 6, Jesus teaches the disciples to pray. In His model prayer, Jesus says "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name..."
Make the glory of God the focus of your every prayer. Make His glory your every breath.

The Start of Something New

2006-09-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

She waltzes back into my life after an eternity of three months. Three months of trying to forget yet somehow knowing the impossibility of this goal. She returns in a way utterly unexpected and joyfully welcome. There will obviously be a time of adjustment. What lies ahead is unclear. But it is fresh and new and joyful.

Welcome to madness

2006-08-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

School has officially kicked back in and things are already a mess. I'm trying to keep up with all the stuff I put myself into and then also trying to manage these inconviences called "classes." Living in a house this year is going to be amazing. I have a great group of guys to live with--we drive each other just crazy enough to keep it entertaining. Looking back on my time in India, I can already see the ways that my convictions of that place have faded, my heart has grown callous as I fall right back into my lifestyle here. I eat too much, I spend too much money on things that do not matter, I forget to pray for the world and only selfishly pray for my own desires. College is a hard place to be passionately devoted to a lifestyle of righteousness.

Home

2006-07-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I arrived home yesterday. It is good to be back wtih my family. A part of me is sad to leave South Asia, but I did miss my family and friends so it is good to be with them again. I managed to last until 8.30pm last night, at which time I passed out and didn't wake up until 7.30am this morning. You'd think after 9 hours of solid sleep I'd be rested and adjusted but it is 8.30pm right now and I am ready to go to bed again. Hopefully I can last until 10.00.

Reflection

2006-07-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

Well...for the last few days I've been chilling in out base city. We have a few days at the end to relax and reflect on the summer before we head to debriefing. This summer has been an adventure. I have travelled a lot, seen a lot, been in some dark places, prayed fervently for people who have never been prayed over. In the end, I have changed a lot. The Father, as He is so keen on doing, has worked in me without my notice. I have been sobered by the darkness and lostness that covers this place, seemingly unchecked. Yet the Father graciously reveals that South Asia has not escaped His field of vision. That He knows every one of these people, all one billion of them, and He has a plan for their lives. Just as He knows when a bird of the air falls from the sky, so He knows the hearts of those who call out and cry to false idols. This thought brings a peace to my heart in the midst of despair. So we ask the Father to draw their worship from the many false gods--all 330 million of them--and lift their praise to the Most High.

Once upon a time...

2006-07-06T23:40:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I was doing pretty good at keeping up with these posts. Meanwhile, where has the time gone? Today we embark upon our last trip to our final city of work. In this coming city we will meet up with a family of followers who have many friends. We will try to share with some of these friends while working with the family who are already believers. PRay for the family and their friends.

One City Down

2006-06-11T04:53:00.000-07:00

So I'll be honest...I'm just too tired to fully recollect and explain all the events of the first city so I'll try to just give bulleted lists. If it leaves you in too much anticipation, just let me know on the message board of what topics seem interesting and I can explain more.
-Pwalked, I'm pretty sure, the entire city...possibly the first followers to do so in this city.
-Ate at the same two restaurants the entire time.....there's only so many things you can eat and enjoy 18 times
-Got some surveys done....really interesting answers by the way
-Hung out with a family of fabric merchants
-Played cricket for the first time....pretty fun I guess
-Sat around and talked with a lot of people
-Went to a family's house that really showed some promise
-Rode down the Ganga for about 100 miles...it took us 10.5 hours....I'm tired =)
Tomorrow we leave for city #2...it should be a blast.

Not home...but at least stationary....for now

2006-06-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

We finally arrived at our destination after a looong day of travel that began around 4am this morning. We settled into our hotel where we will be for about 4 days and got some dinner at the hotel restaurant. Can I just say, amazing! The food was so good after what we've been fed the last few days. It's only 9.15pm here but I think I'm gonna go get some rest. Tomorrow's adventure begins early in the morning and we're gonna be outside all day running all over the city on a scavenger hunt to get acclimated with the city. Should be interesting....
By the way, I am sleeping well these days so thanks to all who lifted that matter up to the Father. Please continue to lift up the days ahead as we prepare to journey into our first city--travelling mercies and receptive hearts.

"Tired" doesn't capture the feeling

2006-05-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep much on the flight over to Dehli so by the time I arrived I had already been up over 24 hours. I laid down that night completely exhausted and yet....I could not sleep. How aggravating! So I got up the next morning and sat through classes in a room that at best got down to 80 degrees as we learned all sorts of valuable information (no sarcasm intended....seriously). Concentrating was so hard that at times I simply stood in the back of the room to prevent dozing. So last night I laid down...at this point it has been almost 48 hours since I slept and....guess what....still not sleeping. At 1 am I said, forget this and I got a friend to give me some sleeping pills which I hate taking but at this point I was desperate. So if you can, asking the Father to give me rest would be most appreciated.
Anyway, enough griping. We have been in some amazing classes learning tools to use on the field, how to work well as a team, and some other logistics. Tomorrow we leave for Agra, the city of the Taj Mahal. The rest of the team will show up for some more training. We might also stop by to check out that cool tomb that has been called a modern Wonder of the World (I am referring to the Taj and, yes, sarcasm is intended ). =)

Quick Thoughts

2006-05-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

So I initially desired to embark on a theological discussion of atonement and salvation, but I figured that wouldn't be very fruitful, fully processed, or in any way thorough. Instead, I have decided to offer a passage of Scripture that I have been thinking over in the past few days:

"And when the Gentiles heard this, they began rejoicing and glorifying the word of the Lord, and as many as were appointed to eternal life believed." Acts 13:48

Brokenness revisited

2006-05-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

As I prepare to depart for South Asia, which is only 11 days away, I have entered a state of brokenness. I am clinging to Christ for peace and comfort as He strips away everything in my life that keeps me from being wholly devoted to Him. I wish I could write more, but I do not understand myself at this point enough to explain anything sufficiently.

The Bride and His Groom

2006-04-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

Christ has called me to love like He loves the Church. How on earth am I to do that? In this very question lies the answer. I cannot, in my earthly strength, even begin to fathom what it means to love in a pure sense; to love with a perfect love that Christ offers to His bride. I am broken and undone, unable to comprehend what love is without Christ daily pouring out an extra measure of grace to cover my filthy stains. Every day I obsess with those things from which Christ has freed me. I return to my whorring on the street corner and becoming indebted to the fleshly master of sin. Daily, Christ taps into the mercy that was afforded on the cross and pays my sin debt. This is the love of the Groom toward His bride. This is the love that I am to have. Only in a daily recognition of my sin and a pleading for the view of this love will I be able to take small steps toward loving in this manner.

Being vulnerable

2006-04-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

Trust is not something that comes natural to me. I do not know if this is something that has always been my nature or if perhaps life experience has produced such a tendency to mistrust and hold others at arms' length. However, throughout my own introspection I find it particularly hard to share my inner feelings with those I want share the most. It seems that my inner conscious knows my desire to open up and be vulnerable, and therefore the message from my heart is interrupted before it can be fully expressed from my tongue. I become closed, mute, and seemingly callous. It is a frustrating state of emotion for both me and those to whom I want to be close. I hope that soon my tongue will be freed from its apparent steel cage of mistrust. I will reach a place where I can live freely in the uncomfortable, but wonderful world of being vulnerable.

Desires--from The Valley of Vision

2006-03-22T20:40:00.000-08:00

" O Thou that hearest prayer,
Teach me to pray.
I confess that in religious exercises
the language of my lips and the feelings
of my heart have not always agreed,
that I have frequently taken carelessly upon
my tongue a name never pronounced above
without reverence and humility,
that I have often desired things which would have injured me,
that I have depreciated some of my chief mercies,
that I have erred both on the side of my hopes
and also of my fears,
that I am unfit to choose for myself,
for it is not in me to direct my steps.
Let thy Spirit help my infirmities,
for I know not what to pray for as I ought.
Let him produce in me wise desires by which
I may ask the right things,
then I shall know thou hearest me.
May I never be importunate for temporal blessings,
but always refer them to thy fatherly goodness,
for thou knowest what I need before I ask;
May I never think I prosper unless my soul prospers,
or that I am rich unless rich toward thee,
or that I am wise unless wise unto salvation.
May I seek first thy kingdom and its righteousness.
May I value things in relation to eternity.
May my spiritual welfare by my cheif solicitude.
May I be poor, afflicted, despised and have thy blessing,
rather than by successful in enterprise,
or have more than my heart can wish,
or be admired by my fellow-men,
if thereby these things make me forget thee.
May I regard the world as dreams, lies, vanities, vexation of spirit,
and I desire to depart from it.
And may I seek my happiness in thy favour, image, presence, service.

Soby's it

2006-03-09T19:46:00.000-08:00

So I went to dinner with a beautiful young lady tonight. I don't usually write about real, physical stuff happening in my life. I usually leave my journal to the more metaphysical, philosophical. But tonight will be an exception. I went out with this amazing young woman of God who is such an encouragement to me. We ate dinner at a really nice restaurant that came with a high recommendation and it fully met and exceeded my expectations. After dinner we went down to this park by a river for a little chill time. The sky was this bluish pink "cotton candy" look and it set the perfect mood. We talked about everything and nothing in a manner where you just wish that seconds would become hours that never make it into the history books. I wish I was still sitting there next to this beautiful young lady with vibrant blue eyes. But alas, I am sitting at my computer typing about that moment. *sigh*

Voice in the Breeze

2006-02-23T09:39:00.000-08:00

"Then God blessed them, and said to them...." (Gen. 1:28)
Can you imagine the uninhibited voice of God speaking to you for the very first time? What a frightful, terrible, wonderful sound--this voice that spoke light, and atmosphere, and trees, and fish and birds, and animals, and stars and galaxies into existence. This is the same voice that a mere page later the first humans are running from--His voice that visisted them in the breeze of the day (Gen. 3:8). This same voice speaks to us through these words that we see on printed pages that have come to us through thousands of parchments translated into various languages and preserved through meticulous processes. God is passionate about speaking to us. Not because we are His ultimate focus--He is His ultimate focus--but because He loves to be in communion with His Bride. His Voice had power to create all that is. That same Voice has power today in the incredible and the mundane.

Minor Prophets

2006-02-18T20:24:00.000-08:00

"I will stand my watch and set myself on the rampart, and watch to see what He will say to me, and what I will answer when I am corrected.
Then the LORD answered me and said: "Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."

Habakkuk 2:1-3

When...

2006-01-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

I have recently become overrun with this notion that life will never be what I want it to be or what I expect. I look back over the last couple years. I can think of off the top of my head: a few people's lives I have severely messed up--whether intentionally or not is irrelevant--a few times that I have made a total fool of myself (with my arrogance, pride, foolishness, etc), said a few things I really should not have, gone a few places I shouldn't have, closed a few doors I should have walked through, thought so many things I should not have...you get the idea. When oh when will I finally get to stand before my Savior and just weep because the meager crown I offer Him could have been decked out in a few more jewels because I wasn't such an idiot today and yesterday? When will I live like I really want to glorify Him with every molecule of oxygen that enters my lung and gives me one more ounce of life on this ball of dirt? When will I tap into the essence of the Spirit that spurs me on to read the Divine Word of God with such a furious hunger that the words jump off the page into the core of who I am and I am never the same? When...

2006-01-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

Welcome

2005-12-29T18:00:00.000-08:00

Coming soon you will read some crazy stuff going on in my life.